The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn

2:59pm: here's to good-bye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon....
wanna know a secret?


every time the clock hits 11:11, i wish for you

(that's the real reason i hold my breath)

1:10am: there's gotta be more to life than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me

9:27am: it's always you in my big dreams...
why are there some things i just can't get over? why are there some things i just can't let go of? maybe i'm trying too hard.

anyway, last week, including babysitting, i worked over fifty hours. not including babysitting, forty five. plus full time school. damn. haha.

my stomach hurts, and i need to do something. hafta go fill out my housing for montclair and all.

hearts and kisses,
sara

7:14am: Yay survey!!
In the past year, I have...

broke a promise: yes
made a new best friend: yes
fell in love: no
fell out of love: possibly
did something you swore never to do: yes
lied: yes
stole: nah
got drunk: yea
went behind your parents back: kinda, not really
cried over a broken heart: yea, but it was more of lost infatuation
dissapointed someone close: yes
hid a secret: yes
pretended to be happy: yes
got arrested: nope
kissed in the rain: yes
slept under the stars: no
kept your new years resolution: hahaha i broke all of mine less than a week into the new year
met someone who changed your life: yes
made a total fool of yourself: always
changed your outlook on life: yes
sat home all day doing nothing: i have :) but only like one day
pretended to be sick: hmmm. no.
left the country: yep.... last summer
almost died: ummm no unless you count the car accident haha
PARTIED: uh yea
given up on something important to you: yes
lost something expensive: hm nothing that i can remember, but i probably did haha
learned something new about yourself: yea, a lotta things


life has been... tame lately. it's really, really nice. like i'm just being a good kid and doing my homework (for the most part). speaking of that, i should probably start actually writing my research paper soon haha. i've been working what feels like a good amount, but probably isn't haha. i'm thinking about taking up a second job in two months (when AP exams are over). no definites though, because i'm a lazy bum.

i think i've let go of a lot of grudges. i'm trying to be more mature (and failing miserably). i won a bet with zennon (two weeks sucka!) and i gave up some things forever.

i'm sooooo tired right now. five hours of work tonight, leo club afterschool, but i think tricia and me are cutting seventh and eighth period so oh well. yay hot tub, boo mr. phillips.

so yep. have a good day everyone.

hearts and kisses,
sara

12:02pm: here's a tip: don't bet on horses
He possessed a good figure, a pleasing face, not overburdened with depth of thought or feeling.

Edna, my dear, please don't surrender yourself to whims and fancies that may lead you to your own demise later.

7:15am: i hope this is the last time cuz i'd never say no to you...
you were the last good thing about this part of town

and now... you're not. simple, huh?

6:44am: happy unbirthday to me...
my love bunny makes me so ridiculously happy. it's insane. whenever things are bad, i just have to hang out with him and it's okay again, somehow. yesterday we went out to peter's. he hated this car, so i rolled down my window and he yelled, "you have bad tastes in cars. go die!" then we split stuff at peter's and there was a bug on the lettuce. ew. it was hilarious somehow. i always thought that hanging out with just mlb would awkward, but it's not. he just makes me laugh and i can tell him everything (even though he tells me not to because he doesn't wanna hear it).

so then zennon came over 'n we hot tubbed it up. zennon's another one of those boys that just makes me feel incredible, like everything's okay. it's so great. i'm glad they're friends with me.

somehow they made yesterday go from the shittiest day to a really, really good day. mmm they're such great people.

4:53pm: if you like pina coladas...
i swear sometimes i can't stand people who are cooler than me (which, conveniently is like everyone) just because they are cooler than me (and don't update their stupid deadjournal)

3:17pm: “Write about what you know,” they say. I’d bore you to death. I could tell you about Shakespeare, about Meg Cabot, about attempting to create a perfect atmosphere for prom, about coming so close to having sex and failing, about how to inhale when smoking pot, about how to avoid eye contact when you see a casual hook up the next day, about how fucked up things get when you get kissed by a good friend, about meeting new people, about how to clean up so your parents didn’t know you partied at your house, about carving perfect lines into your skin so no one will know you did it, about how to lose friends, about smiling when you feel awful, about faking sick when you really took a lot of medicine to try and kill the pain inside of you, about how to cut class, about how to make people think you’re something you’re not, about faking love and faking lust, about pulling all nighters, about starving until your hip bones resemble cliffs, about being dramatic and being perfect and being far from perfect, and mostly about fucking up.
But really, who wants to hear about that shit?

11:20pm: it's not what you think...
i made three new years resolutions:
1. to lose 20 pounds by prom
2. to mature
3. to settle down and not be so "adventurous" romantically

i've pretty much broken all three already. i think i've gained twenty pounds, i'm immature as ever (if not more than). promises are made to be broken, right?

i'm exhausted. only an hour 'n a half of sleep last night. but really, who needs sleep when you have hope?

hearts and kisses,
sara

6:58am: he loves her definitely maybe...
wow. this break was... interesting if nothing else. i made a few mistakes, but regret nothing, right?

got all my homework done yesterday, which was a major accomplishment.

other accomplishments this break:
~survived my family
~hung out with rory
~hung out with my jay (yay!!)
~became real friends with evan
~read two books
~finished christmas shopping
~saw ashley
~got lori really mad at me (not a good accomplishment)
~partied with my love bunny!!!! and cory and andrew and brian and other people
~hung out with jess
~saw my marko
~finished my college apps
~realized what i want

and that last one is the most important, isn't it?

and now i get to go to school, which is really number one on my priority list (rolls eyes).

i wanna go finish smack first, only 15 pages left.

i think i'm relaxing into my life. i mean really, only 6 months left of high school; might as well enjoy it, right?

new years resolutions anyone? i have a few of my own.

hearts and kisses,
sara

8:36am: illuminate the notes on the vacancy sign...
wtf?!

and happy new year! (maybe this year will be different...?)

7:21pm: love is watching someone die...
I figured it's about time to update this thing (for real), huh?

I've changed a lot this year, I s'pose. I mean school year and 2005. My entire life has flipped around and I'm a different person. That's not an awful thing though, is it?

I was thinking about how in a little more than two months, I'll be 18. And I took a step back and realized I'm not mature enough to be 18. I'm really quite immature for 17. So that's a New Years Resolution (grow up a little). I still flirt like a little kid and have problems with empathy. So I'll try; try to stop being so overdramatic, try to stop complaining, try to stop being so self centered. And at least by acknowledging these things, I'm taking a step toward fixing myself (not to say I'm broken).

School has been okay. Last report card came in with all A's and one B (English). I've decided I'm in desperate need of working harder in English then (that was my major of choice for a while and still might be), so the last two essay tests I've aced. I'm pulling decent grades in my other classes, too (possibly with the exception of History). Overall, I'm working hard for school and it's paying off.

Work is going decent. I'd like more hours, but I can make do with whatever. It's not like I have any real expenses (besides gas). Christmas presents cost me over $450!!! Crazy. But at least now I'm like done holiday shopping and can start saving again (three cheers for Europe over spring break and then prom).

Socially, well, I've actually been "losing" friends. Not so much losing, more just losing contact with. When I want to see someone, I'll call them. I don't really go out of my way anymore. Lori is practically my life though. We hang out at least three/four times a week. She's actually made me want to go to college close to home, just to be able to still be best friends with her. She means the world to me.

Romantically, well, it's been an interesting year. Fun stories. But honestly, now I'm looking for something more. Even if it is only for like five months or whatever. I think I'm ready to partially settle myself down. It's all a part of maturing, isn't it? As much fun as it is to get drunk and high and kiss random boys, I think it'd be so much more... intense... to just find one boy who makes it worth it. If it happens, great. If not, I'll live.

I read 51 books in 2005!!! So I'm aiming for 50 for 2006. I'm thinking I can do it. College next year. Wow. That'll be so different. I can't wait.

This year has been really insane. I didn't mean to make this such a "year conclusion" update, but just reflecting on 2005... whoa. I mean, this year has been cram packed with life changing things. Anorexia, drugs, alcohol, random boys, lies, and growing. It's the stuff I read about in books; it's the stuff I write about. Maybe that's why I stopped writing short stories; I started living them.

So I hope everyone has happy holidays, parties it up on New Years Eve, and has the best year ever in 2006!

Hearts and kisses,
Sara

6:47am: Post the first sentence from your first post in every month throughout the whole year!
January: Stop.

February: so let's see.

March: hypocrisy rules our world.

April: you spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen and i said did you know i miss you?

May: i feel like walking.

June: last night i laid on my floor.

July: Hey guess what???

August: at my funeral, a lot of people will cry

September: the only thing that no one can take away from you is your ability to die.

October: living life like it's going out of style.

November: she co-operated all right!


Okay, let's see... from my other journal (much more exciting, i assure you):

January: Up to 115.5.

February: rabbit rabbit (old thing from Nickelodeon where if you say rabbit rabbit as the first thing on the first of the month, you'll have good luck)

March: i feel guilty about eating so much.

April: 109.5 yesterday morning.

May: Deleted my xanga.

June: let's see.

July: got my hair cut today.

August: don't know where to start.

September: anticipation for working with ryan on sunday is insane.

October: tonight was a bad night.

November: i was so fuckin' high last night.

December: went out, got most of my christmas shopping done yesterday.

12:24pm: when half of all your prayers are insincere, the other half are lies...
I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

(This is not dramatic. It's simply a note to self.)

1:39am: she co-operated all right!

5:53pm: living life like it's going out of style

9:09pm: the only thing that no one can take away from you is your ability to die

10:52am: at my funeral, a lot of people will cry

but the truth is, it's just not that sad.

9:27am: but you wanted to keep his secret safe so you threw the key away...
Hey guess what???

I'm alive!


(not that anyone could ever tell by the way you act around me)

6:13pm: holding on tight...
last night i laid on my floor, naked. all i had was a pillow and the music trying hard to drown out my world.

i stared at the ceiling, the glow-in-the-dark stars a cheap replacement for the real thing.

i cried some, because i just couldn't hold it in anymore.

it just hurts too bad to try and keep it inside.

6:37am: Holden seems to always be right
How can Hollywood take so many beautiful things and transform them so easily into fake, artificial disasters? It's disgusting.

Holden called his brother a prostitute for going to Hollywood and writing plays. I think I agree. I mean, Hollywood does to works of art what prostitution does to sex: cheapens it, takes away the value, makes it fake, and gives pleasure to the people who are too ____ to experience the real art.

11:50am: already i'm so lonesome i could die
i feel like walking. maybe forever.

7:16am: i'm still trying, and that's more than i can say for him...
spell it out for me- i could never read between the lines.

i could never read as well as you

8:47pm: you spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen and i said did you know i miss you?

i miss you